Not Goodbye

Blog No. 2: Moving to Santa Cruz

It's official. I'm moved into my room.

I've decorated.

Sunday was a very emotional day, overall.

I stayed up until 3 AM, moving my bags and bins downstairs and compressing the amount of stuff I'm taking—granted I could've been done earlier if I wasn't trying to distract myself from my packing and my emotions by watching an NCIS marathon and talking to Taylor online. I've literally divided my room in half, taking only half of my instruments, half of my clothes, half of my books, etc. Here I'm thinking I'll have one or two bins and a few bags to carry along with me. Then I start looking down the list, adding some essentials that I haven't thought of, like hangers and boots. Before I know it, I end up packing two very full bins, a laundry basket of clothes, two "green" bags of bath towels and other miscellaneous stuff, a laundry basket of two blankets, a laundry bag of shoes, my formal wear in a hanger bag, a sleeping bag, my keyboard, Slanket, a trash can, a duffel bag of more miscellaneous stuff, two of mom's last minute bags, some new pillows, and Kaylah's care package from her mom. The van did not have much floor room once I packed everything in it.

As a result of staying up late, I woke up two hours later than I intended. Realizing this, I quickly ran into the shower and got ready, only to discover that only John and the baby were up downstairs, both still in their pajamas.

A few minutes later, Audrey woke up and walked downstairs to take care of the baby. She told me that she hasn't told Lennox that I was moving… That I had to tell him that I would be gone for awhile. I thought on it and tears already started welling up in my eyes. Seeing as I was in front of Audrey, I tried dismissing the tears and distract myself from them, but I knew she noticed them. She could always notice them.

She then walked upstairs, leaving me alone with the baby. I held him in my arms, almost hugging him. I stood with him in front of the bathroom mirror, like I usually do when he fusses, and saw the both of us in that glass. I saw my bloodshot eyes, my forced smile above my quivering chin trying to contain it all in. I leaned against the doorframe, making Lennox lean back a little to see my face. The little bugger stared at me for a second, gave me a super cute smile, and fell back on my chest, resting his arms on my shoulders.

John came downstairs and I handed Lennox off to him. I stood aside to recover from that moment and walked upstairs to tally up anything else that I needed. After Audrey got out of the shower, she, John, and Lennox left for the apartment in their red car. John drove back in the van for me to pack my stuff. Then we drove back to the apartment, where I saw my mom, still content with a brave face on.

My aunt had heard the door open and close to the apartment, taking that as my arrival. She walked into my mom's room where I stood. I bent lower as I embraced her for a few seconds. She gave me a few blueberry muffins that she made that morning, then left to go shopping. With this embrace, I felt only a small urge for tears, not because I would miss her less, but because I felt that we had this unspoken understanding. That embrace basically said, "Not goodbye. We will see each other later." I speak hug. XD

Later, when everything was packed and what not, we all took a trip to Panera, the bread place that Kaylah and I usually go to for our lunches. I got a chicken frontega panini, which was pretty good, (minus the onions). I also ventured next door to the It's A Grind, where I got myself a black cherry mocha. It was pretty tasty. The purpose of Panera was to have a one last time hangout before I left to be together as a family, the five of us enjoying a meal and casually chatting about mundane things. It was nice.

After that lunch, we all headed back to the apartment, where all the real emotion welled up.

Mom and I realized that it was finally getting to be goodbye, so I could feel the both of us trying to fight back our tears. We could barely speak. The both of us just mainly hugged each other, one last time, and just fought the urge to stay that way. After she hugged me, she took my face in her hands and landed a big motherly kiss on my cheek, followed by an even more tearful hug.

My mom grabbed Lennox from John. Then my mom held Lennox's hand up to wave goodbye. When she let go, he was still waving, not much, but just enough.

So much for staying strong through this…

John and Audrey headed to the van, where I followed, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes. The emotion was shrugged off as I tried joking around with John while he was getting ready to drive. In the van, we just basically remained quiet. All you could hear were the sounds of the annoying Tom Tom and mixed music mixes from Disney and emo bands blasting from the van stereo. I thought this was a good time as any to finish writing some of my blogs.

The drive went over pretty well. It only took about two and a half hours, where the last half hour consisted of a very swervy, hilly road. When we arrived off the exit, I started to recognize some of the Santa Cruz landmarks, like the big River Street sign where Gigi's was located. A few streets later, we arrived at the little village complex thing, where I knocked on the familiar door, for the first time as a Santa Cruz resident.

Terry answered the door and welcomed me. I beckoned him over to the van, where I introduced him to Audrey and John before we started moving my stuff into the house. Terry, John, and I moved all of my stuff back into the house, which only took about three trips to do. When you look at the sheer volume of stuff, however, it seems like a lot.

Audrey and John were looking at Kaylah's place for the first time, so they were observing random things I haven't pointed out before, like how there are quite a few pictures of cats on the walls. XD

After a phone call to mom and Lennox, the four of us decided to go on and venture Santa Cruz as a whole. Terry and I showed Audrey and John the view from the hill behind their housing complex. From that height, you could literally see the Santa Cruz Boardwalk "Drop-Zone" ride.

John then drove the four of us through campus by Terry's directions. We basically made a circle around campus to the main buildings, the gist of where I would be hanging out the most. We found our way to the Kresge East apartments, where we all hopped out and looked from outside. These apartments are NOT like the ones Kaylah had lived in. The buildings are of a different architecture. The dorms were taller, green, and had a log cabin feel to them. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about that, but all I could care about was where I was going to sleep. I really wanted to sneak into my room to see what it looked like, but I still had no idea where I was bunking…

Audrey had commented that she never realized how woodsy the campus was, even though I tell people that the campus is on a hill in the middle of the woods. I shrug. Both Audrey and John liked the campus anyway. All the way around, John and Terry were talking about random video game and comic stuff, just like I predicted they would. XD

Then, John drove us to Kaylah's work at Gigi's. Kaylah came out from the kitchen to say hello. She seemed really overworked, like she usually did. She warned us that she still had about an hour or two left of work. Audrey and John still wanted something to eat, so I gave them the idea of Erik's Café, Piper's and my choice of restaurant.

John did not want to drive anymore, seeing as he had to drive all of those hills and roads all day. I wouldn't blame him, though I wondered whether or not Audrey would be up to the walking because we were really walking out of our way to the restaurant. They seemed fine with it… So, the four of us walked to downtown Santa Cruz. Audrey and John were gazing at all of the random shops down the one street.

When we arrived, I thought it had closed already. Fortunately, when I walked up to the door, it wasn't the case. I got my usual Abbot's Habit sandwich with tomato bisque soup. I remember John got this holiday sandwich that could only be described as Thanksgiving leftovers packed into a sandwich. Audrey liked her sandwich, but was a little disappointed with the chocolate "meltdown" cake as it wasn't gushing chocolate fudge like the picture showed us it would.

Afterwards, Terry got Kaylah something to go and then we walked back to Kaylah's work. This was where I said goodbye to Audrey and John. This goodbye wasn't at all emotional, probably because I was in front of company that haven't seen me in tears yet. Audrey did give me a hug, which I noticed I haven't really ever gotten in my adulthood. John gave me the awkward, "brother-in-law" hug as he called it. XD

All in all, it was a very emotional day. I did feel that Kaylah radiated a lot more excitement that day then I ever did. I kinda figured that was why she asked if I was genuinely excited to be moving in.

I am. I really am. I just feel that if I show some excitement, some sadness might've also escaped.

No More Del Taco

Blog No. 1: New Year’s Eve

My New Year's Eve was filled with the Burn Notice marathon and more packing. The only entertaining thing I've done was waste time posting some videos on some Facebook profiles, reminding them of their Rabbi Mission. New Year's Eve in the past has never really been eventful for me. The only time I actually celebrated was at Kaylah's New Year's party, which didn't happen in Sacramento this year.

So, Taylor, Susan Surrandon, and I planned to go to Old Sac to watch the fireworks. Taylor texted around 9 PM to warn me of his arrival. From there, Taylor and I ventured downtown, getting stuck in traffic along the way. Taylor really doesn't take traffic well, seeing as he drove intentionally slow after a taxi kept on honking from behind during a red light.

After we parked, we walked through the K street mall and Old Sac. We ventured into the sea of partying people to find Susan Surrandon and Phillip, sitting by the Delta King. Susan Surrandon had alerted me that Dustin, Patric, and their other friend, Patrick, was going to be there but backed out at the last minute. I’ve heard some stories about Patrick and I am indeed looking forward to the day I meet him. In the mean while, we were trying to come up with things to occupy ourselves until midnight…

Taylor decided he wanted some salt water taffy, so we ended up walking to find an open taffy shop. Unfortunately, both of the taffy shops had been closed. I was very disappointed because I was picturing myself having pomegranate taffy, for old time’s sake. Taylor had immediately moved on and dismissed the idea…

Near the railroad museum, there was a band playing, representing the Eagle radio station and all it’s glory. The four of us stayed on the outskirts of the little crowd, enjoying some jazz themed rock, watching the people in the front of the stage dancing their hearts out. Phillip and Susan Surrandon had danced a little bit while I was watching Taylor trying to take a picture of the band to no avail.

Taylor and Phillip decided that we needed to move inside, seeing as the evening was getting colder. I pulled everyone away from the band and walked back in the direction of the Delta King with the intention of finding an open shop. Instead, we got distracted by a group Fire dancers, swiveling their hips and fire sticks to a soundtrack of a very hypnotizing acoustic base.

Ten minutes before midnight, we made a coffee run. I got a Mocha freeze, Taylor some hot drink, and Phillip a lime Italian soda. Then we hit the road, walking the railroad tracks in the direction of the “golden colored” bridge. The crowd had grown bigger as we finally reached our destination. The bridge was raised in preparation of the fireworks show. Strong, green laser pointers danced in jagged shapes on the bridge. It was very chilly outside, according to Taylor. Both Susan Surrandon and I offered our coats to him, to which he firmly denied our acts of kindness… He’s very stubborn.

We found ourselves right outside a parking garage, where we saw people on the metal gates on every floor in couples gazing into the starless sky. This made me feel a little uneasy, feeling all of the romance in the air, how I was left out of it. It was then that I noticed that Phillip and Susan Surrandon had never really left each other’s arms. Then the crowd yelled out to the sky an inaudible countdown and explosions ensued in the sky as the firework show had begun. I looked around and saw a lot of the couples had begun that clichéd ritual of making out as the clock stroke midnight. Taylor and I commented on what each of the explosions had looked like—he apparently saw a plethora of penises in the sky that night. I recognized how some of them had tried to take the shape of hearts in the night sky. I looked up at him, saw he was maneuvering his coffee cup across his lip rings, and I wondered if he had felt this same uneasiness as I did.

A few minutes and many heart thumping explosions later, the four of us slowly walked back to the parking garage. We ended up having to try and link ourselves together because it was very easy to get separated from each other. It was also very easy to bump into the wrong person, hear her curse your ear off as your party continues to walk away. When we got in the parking garage, there had been a long line of cars honking, blasting their stereos, and just doing whatever their drunk passengers were doing at that moment. So, to not get caught up in that mess, we just sat on Phillip’s car, trying to decide our next move for that evening.

After awhile, we ended up going through Taylor's music on his Droid. Taylor’s song list basically consisted of artists like Lily Allen and Alanis Morisette and soundtracks from video games and the Phantom of the Opera. I had noticed that, after I took off my coat to hang on the hood of the car, Taylor had picked up the coat and put it on, tying up the strings of the hood and wearing it like a cloak. During some of the songs, Taylor and Susan Surrandon had decided to show off their jazz dancing prowess, taking up more space as the parking garage suddenly felt more open.

Taylor talked of Denny's, but I told him to consider all of the drunk partying people out and about tonight. We conversed by the parked car for what seemed like forever, talking about our options and about other random things. We got engrossed into our conversation to the point where we realize we were trying to find a location to go to only when drunk people return to their cars.

Taylor mentioned a craving for fish and chips when we were in Old Sac, so Taylor and I decided to walk back to Old Sac to see if any of the shops were open. The walk back was very exhilarating, most of the K Street Mall, the tunnel, and Old Sac was deserted. Taylor took a few pictures along the way, and that’s where I was prompted to take pictures of him taking pictures of the K Street Mall at night. I recreated one picture I took of Piper through the arch at Porter College at Santa Cruz with Taylor inside the tunnel where the walls on both sides were tiled with bright and blocky designs.

When we arrived, we started walking through the main street when a bicycle cop stopped in front of us. He had alerted us that they closed Old Sacramento in a sarcastic tone. We politely said thanks and turned ourselves around back through the tunnel… I wanted to push him off of his bike. XD

When we arrived back at the car, Susan Surrandon, Taylor, and I conversed some more while Phillip drifted back and forth between talking and sleeping. Somehow we got to a point where the three of us surrounded Phillip’s car during the conversation. It was at that point that I heard a couple of guys from behind me. I didn’t acknowledge the chatter, but I looked at Susan Surrandon’s face, which told me that the people were coming closer. Suddenly, one of the guys, clearly very high, proposed casually in my ear, “Do yooouu want some druuuuuuuugs?” Then he pulled out a ziplock bag out of his hemp style jacket, which contained what looked like a green owl pellet. I was scared at this point as I tried to smile and declined his offer, trying to avoid eye contact with him at all costs.

The other guy had got the Del Taco smelling guy away from me, recognizing that the three of us did not want anything to do with them. While the guys high off of green owl pellet were walking away, the three of us sighed in relief. Somehow, that sigh prompted this second guy to pause. He asked, “Wait, I’m getting mixed signals here!” He continued on about something about a club or something. Either way, we stood our ground until the two kites walked away. This, finally, became incentive for us to get in the car where it was safe. XD

After a little more conversation, we ended up just saying goodbye seeing as both Susan Surrandon and Taylor had to work early in the morning. When Taylor drove me back to the house, I realized that it was 3:30 AM. I was not tired. At all. I had thought about asking Taylor if he wanted to go somewhere, but I decided against it, thinking I could utilize some of the time to finish packing. I reached over to him to hug him goodbye, but when we released from that hug I saw his face. He had looked genuinely sad, on the brink of distraught. It was literally like D: kind of distraught. I quickly looked away, but I felt that moment being engraved into my brain. As I got out of the car, I casually waved back and quickly walked up my driveway.

I don’t know what it was, but that night I just looked and looked at that face, which I tried mimicking in the mirror. I didn’t sleep. I only fell asleep after 3 cups of coffee, 2 pages of typing, some Facebook trolling, 2 episodes of Scrubs, 5 infomercials, and half a playlist later…

This feeling is foreshadowing some more heartbreak in the future, isn’t it?