Swimming in Open Waters

Blog Redux: My Views On Love Pt. 2

Refer to Previous: My Views On Love

What is this feeling?

So sudden and new?

I felt the moment

I laid eyes on you...

[That's from the song, "Loathing", but believe me it's not about loathing here.]

I've been having these strange dreams lately, dreams of a rather intriguing nature. I'm trying to describe it here, but the words in my head doesn't fit for how... unsettling?... exhilarating?... how strange it feels.

... I've had this dream for 2 weeks straight, so I think I can write it down as concise as I can.

Basically, I'm having dreams about someone who I'll call Hedwig, (origins of that name is basically the creepy owl snow globe staring at me, plus she is my favorite character from Harry Potter, even if she's an owl!). I stare off at my checkerboard, (always a sign of a vivid dream to come), then a hand comes across it and pulls a chess piece from out of my POV into the center of the board.

A voice calls out, "Checkmate."

I look up to find the hand's host, Hedwig, smiling in my direction. Her head is haloed by a glistening sunlight from the conveniently placed sunset. I could feel a familiar tension in my chest I have yet recognized.

"So what do we do now?" I felt the words climbing out of my throat.

I remembered Hedwig's voice oh to well. "Well, how do dates normally pan out for you?"

I can feel an increasing tension in my chest and something stretch across my face. I look to the side as I felt my face heat up. I could see grass and trees all around us. Apparently we were at a park in New York because I could also see some sky scrapers. A breeze picked up and my eyes followed the leaves as they were swirling around in dizzying circles, losing my head in the trance.

"What do you think of the wine?"

When I looked back at Hedwig, everything changed from a breezy day at the park to a rosy and cozy deep red restaurant. Hedwig and I were in our paisley red booth, staring into each others eyes. I can sense that we were both in a conversation, but it was muffled as I only heard strumming of a mandolin and a harp.

It felt like I recognized the place. Maybe that was where the conversation was at that moment. I beckoned over to the crystal chandelier at the center of the restaurant. That's where Kaylah walked in in a chef's outfit. As soon as I saw her, I immediately recognized the place. It was what my mind identified as to what Kaylah's dream restaurant looked like.

Kaylah bowed slightly at us, then I waved her off. She didn't need to bow like a servant, I thought. That's when I noticed that I waved her off with my left hand because my right hand was in Hedwig's hands. I immediately joined my hands together in hers as she fiddled with them sensually and looked up at Kaylah to see her half smile and slight nod.

Hedwig and I got up, and a few steps later I was on a stoop to where Hedwig had supposedly lived. This is where the cliched part kicks in... Hedwig fiddled with her keys. I looked at her as the lamp glowed on her face. I come in a few inches. She comes in the rest of the way. Kiss. [The next part is censored]. I 'wake up' right next to her on her large, four post bed. I smiled, she smiled. The morning glow on her face somehow thralled up the tension in my chest, which I recognized as my heart racing, the kind of heart racing I felt before... when there was love in the picture.

"French Toast?" Hedwig had said.

I just simply nodded, and watched her get out of bed to put on a blue robe. I somehow had a white one next to the bed beside me. So I put that on and followed her downstairs.

Hedwig was standing in front of the stove as I embraced her from behind, lips near her ear. Hedwig returned the sentiment as she turned around and kissed me back on the lips. We ended up at the bar side table, both of us sitting across from each other. I stared intently into Hedwig's eyes and tried to sum up the words that has been in the back of my throat. I could feel my heart race faster and faster as I said them:

"So where does this leave us?"

That's where the dream stops. I can feel my heart race right now...

...

So where does that leave us?

Obviously, I'm harboring some feelings. Thing is, of all the people it could be, I never thought it would be Hedwig. No matter how hard I try to imagine it, I'm not seeing a clear picture as to what I want, what I would like to see, and whether or not it can work with Hedwig.

Maybe the point of the dream wasn't about Hedwig. Maybe my mind manifested Hedwig's face as an example of what I want, of what I need. Maybe it means that I need some sort of human to human contact, something I bond I can share with one and only one person. Just a relationship. Just to get myself out there and not be... alone.

But why Hedwig? And how did Kaylah fit into this dream? ... Maybe it's some sort of subconscious confirmation... Maybe my mind is telling me to go for Hedwig, using Kaylah as a way of saying that the people important to me will approve? Maybe, what with all the theatrical lighting in this dream, that the universe approves? Nah... I'm getting ahead of myself.

Don't get me wrong, I like Hedwig. She's an awesome person! But... I'm not sure if I'm ready to put myself out there, to feel vulnerable, and I'm not sure if Hedwig is the person I want to be vulnerable to... There's really nothing else, other than my fear, that's keeping me from asking Hedwig out... Maybe I'm also afraid of how people will react to... But I'm mostly afraid of how Hedwig will react...

So what should I do?

I could do nothing. I can interpret it as feelings for Hedwig, but lie in wait, observe for awhile and see if I get any hints from her. Maybe find an opportune moment until I know for sure that she shows some interest too... It sounded okay in my head, but it sounded even more ridiculous as I typed it...

Well, I can see that the dream wasn't necessarily pointed in the direction of Hedwig... But it did point in a direction. I have been feeling as if there's a void somewhere in my life and maybe I do need to put myself out there... But something tells me that I should do something soon.

...

So I woke up today, considering these possibilities, and decided to blog them to you. Maybe you have a suggestion? I'll probably spend another week or two sorting things out...

It feels like I should take the plunge... But... I can't swim.