My Fate

Blog 133: Catching You Up on Some Details

I'm not passing Chemistry. It's not a secret.

For the past 2 weeks, I was trying to figure out how I was supposed to deal with failing. I never failed a class. NEVER. I hardly even fail assignments! Would failing the class prevent me from going to UC Santa Cruz? Would I have to stay another year at ARC? Do I even want to stay another year at ARC? 

So I had made an appointment to see a counselor to discuss my options. The only available appointment during that time was two weeks later, 5/12. During that time, I was supposed to figure out how to prepare for the worst.

The waiting period did not help.

Everything after the Santa Cruz has just been one whirlwind after the other. I try to meet people where they are expecting me to be, but the more time went on the more I started dreading those expectations. I've been noticing that, during the wait, I have been progressively getting sicker and miserable. I've been hitting points along the way recently where I've asked myself, "What the hell was the point of going through all of this?"

So I stopped caring.

It certainly showed today, 5/13, where I have been practicing to  make up the performance in Piano during most of the morning. I was practicing very hard, and got through the song decently about three times. Thing was, when I went up to perform, I just couldn't go past the second measure. My body was not cooperative in bringing forth the music and my mind was pissed off at my body not complying.

"What the hell was the point of going through all of this?"

But then I usually have moments that follow the crapstorm...

I keep telling myself my life could be worse. I could be hurt much worse than this... Of course just saying that brings in more fear of finding out how resistent my body, my mind is to this damage.

I finally went to see the counselor yesterday. I had forgotten that I signed up for Global Economics. I basically signed up for a fallback degree that would utilize the collegiate experience of studying abroad. I was thinking of Spain, but after a semester of Italian I really want to go to Italy! XP 

She gave me three options:

First Option: Retake Chemistry at UC Santa Cruz during the Fall.

It would involve the same courses I would've taken over there, plus Chemistry. This option gave me relief that I could still transfer to UC Santa Cruz. However, with hearing the other options, I really thought out how it would feel like going to UCSC taking my major courses and CHEMISTRY. I don't want to take Chemistry at UCSC because it'll just serve as a constant reminder of my failure this semester.

Second Option: Retake Chemistry at ARC, then transfer to UC Santa Cruz during the Winter.

I liked this idea more. It would give me a semester to redeem myself and buckle down so that I don't screw up all over again. This seemed like the best bet. Only, I didn't choose this option until I heard the third option which, at this moment in time, would serve better for me in the long run.

Third Option: Retake Chemistry at ARC, study abroad in Italy through CRC during the Spring, then transfer to UCSC a year later.

This idea seems the best because of financial reasons. My mom is technically "no longer working" so I'm trying to not spend a lot of money in school. Enrolling here at ARC has been free so far. If I were to transfer to UCSC during winter, I would have to deal with tuition for winter, spring, and the year after, and the study abroad program through UCSC. With the third option, I just need to worry about enrolling in 3 different colleges at once and the study abroad program through CRC, and only a year's tuition at UCSC. I still have to make some phone calls to make sure that this study abroad program is transferrable, if UCSC will defer my enrollment a year, and what I would prepare for going in to UCSC for just one year.

I want to say that the storm is over, but it always ends up just being the eye of the hurricane... I'll just be the fisherman sailing the torrent of the storm, trying to keep dry from the buckets of water splashing and falling on me. XP