The Reason for Global Warming

Blog 41: The Reason for Global Warming

Today was boring. Pressing fast forward button... Pressing... Pressi---

So I here from BLAH on facebook that she's "snowed in" where she lives. She's saying stuff like, "I won't be at class tomorrow" and "Oh I'll bake those cookies tomorrow" and junk like that.

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

I've been promised peanut butter cookies. You see, I got her mini macadamia nut cookies from our mall day two days ago, and in return I get home made cookies. Then she pulls this.

Well I got one message for her: If you are lying, I have an insider. Tom also lives in the mountains and if he's snowed in, then, and ONLY THEN will I believe your story.

If her story is truthful, then I will go to any lengths to get those peanut butter cookies into my clutches. I will bribe Apollo, greek god of the sun, to melt the ice and fan the flames on global warming. Melting the snow will make the cookies come to me quicker. Sure the polar bears will drown, but sacrifices must be made. Plus, if they could, they should adapt to be water creatures anyways. The polar bears will have to make penguin sail boats in order to survive. Solve two problems: survive and hone the skills to defy laws of natural selection. The humans make it easy. If you see a polar bear on a sailboat made of penguins whoosh by, then you will know that I am successful in getting my cookies. XD

What-To-Do-To-Teach-Polar-Bears-To-Survive-My-Global-Warming-Scheme To Do List:

1. Learn Swahili, or whatever language polar bears speak.
2. Learn the harp.
3. Find a helicopter to fly, and potentially crash on, to the peaks of Mt. Olympus.
4. Play the harp and connect with Apollo, who is a very big fan of the stringed instruments apparently...
5. Strike a deal with him to heat the surface of California.
6. Draw up blueprints for a sailboat consisting of only penguins and duct tape.
7. Find a helicopter to fly, and potentially crash on, to the glaciers of Antarctica. Remember to bring the load of duct tape.
8. Become their leader. I would have to slowly introduce myself into their society and go through embarassing hazings, (paddling, belly shots, urine drinking, etc.), to be part of their society.
9. Teach them the real uses for penguins and duct tape.
10. Capture loads of penguins. Ideally wait for the mating season when the group is all together.
11. Build the fleet of penguin sail boats.
12. When the oceans rise, take off on the sail boats back for land.
13. Conquer Greenland and rename it Polar Bear Country Bitches!
14. Sail back to California.
15. Claim my cookies!

WOOT! Totally doable. XD